There'd be no need for lists of who's been good or bad.
No going through the names and knowing she'll make children sad.
Depending on the time of month, when PMS will hit,
been angelic all year round? She just won't give a shit.

No more wearing red, you know, black will have to do.
That velvet stuff went out last year, wants fashions all anew.
And just what's with that fake white fur that matches with the wig?
Don't these people realise it makes her bum look big?

Open-topped, exposing, to the freezing cold night air,
the sleigh just isn't right now, wind keeps messing up her hair.
The reindeer will just have to go, they keep dirtying the place.
Besides, there are no women cope with farting in their face.

She'll use the door, she'll have you know, chimneys just won't do.
The soot it gets just everywhere. Don't you know this outfit's new?
About mince pies and sherry, they're all just fine and dandy,
but if she don't get chocolate soon she'll halfinch all your candy.

When you go to visit don't expect your wish come true.
She doesn't care what Billy got, this is what's for you.
Smile and thank her nicely, don't cry and make a mess.
Tears to dad won't cut it here, he likes her low-cut dress.

Don't be expecting joyous laughs, no more "HO! HO! HO!".
Last time she went and tried that some guy asked her if she'd blow.
Instead the noise you'll hear from her, escaping from her lips,
is more than likely not her mouth depending how she sits.

Next time you think it's sexist to have a big fat guy
sitting there with kids all round, a twinkle in his eye.
Remember all the P.C. crap the world is filled with now.
Then sit and think how it could be.... Santa a moody cow.